decisions / excuses

work day collageLately it feels like I have two very disparate freelance jobs: one as a writer and blogger, one as a community garden organizer. 

And right now, the garden job is getting way more attention than the writing job because… well, I don’t know exactly why.

Is it because it’s winter time and my brain is not at its best?
I really do struggle with staying focused on any one task during the winter. At least a week ago, I sat down to write a draft of this post and then somehow ended up playing with this garden design tool for, oh, an hour and half or so. #hahawhoops

Is it because the gardening stuff is more exciting?
There’s always something that needs to be done at any given time [email the sanitation guys! finish those bylaws!]  and even when there’s not, it’s not hard to invent something [order more seed catalogs!] on the spot that suddenly needs doing.

Is it because… well, is it because  the gardening stuff is something you can’t really fail at? Um. Well. I guess, if I’m being honest with myself (and with you)… yes.

If I write up an application for a grant on the garden’s behalf and get turned down? “Well, that’s too bad, but no big deal, right? I’ll just find another and try again.”

Now, if I write a query for an article or submit a piece somewhere and THAT gets turned down…? “I’m not cut out for this. Oh god, I must suck at this. Maybe I’m not actually a good writer and no one will ever publish me and I think I’m going to go watch TV or something so I don’t have to think about this any more.”

Why is that? Why is one rejection no big deal but a similar rejection crushes me under its boot heel? 

Maybe I’ll never know why, exactly — and maybe the why doesn’t even matter. Maybe, if you get right down to it, I need to learn how to tap into my inner honey badger and just not give a shit.

 

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